A Vessel for My Thoughts

	This is that which is mine My life, my heart I am a vessel for my thoughts The entry plug, the throne of the soul Who is this? This is me Who am I? What am I? What am I? What am I? I am I. This object that is, is myself That which forms is me This is the self that can be seen, and yet this is not like that which is myself A strange feeling
~Excerpt from a monologue spoken by “Rei Ayanami”, written by Hideaki Anno
This quote originates from the anime “Neon Genesis Evangelion”, which was inspired by a manga of the same name, and was directed by Hideaki Anno. While the words were spoken by a character from the show, there is a great deal of background to the creation of the anime – significantly, Hideaki Anno’s personal psychology. As it is said, writers pull parts of their personality to establish the identity of their characters; oftentimes, the most well-established characters borrow significant parts from their creator, or in a case such as this, their interpreter. One of the greatest themes to the show is the focus on the psychology of each character, and in many cases, this wasn’t flattering. Anno had gone through a very deep depression that had lasted four years, and every character expressed reflections of this as well as negative coping mechanisms such as alcoholism, amongst others. The story was given life thanks to these flaws. For anyone who has been depressed or has the ability to empathize with others, they could easily map Anno’s personal psychology through the trials and tribulations of the characters: searching for meaning, the overwhelming shadow of being socially isolated, and trying to find a way to cope with the emotions in the case of alcoholism. One can only imagine how deep the rabbit hole of Anno's mind went in the case of the character who spoke this quote.
The character Rei Ayanami strikes me as case study for the existential crisis and as such, I can only imagine that she received inspiration from Anno’s personality when he was in a state of serious disattachment. As a favorite quote, it simply strikes a chord with my personal world views; I find the character fascinating and I’m intrigued by what the author’s state of mind must have been to write it as well as feel the need to define their existence in such a distant state. Furthermore, some of the realizations that are spoken strike me as being incredibly profound, notably “This is the self that can be seen, and yet this is not like that which is myself” – to realize that a person does not have a single solid identity, that they are ambiguous mass that is defined by how everyone around them perceives them, and yet, no matter what others see, that is not what defines the soul. “A strange feeling” indeed…

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